


The Most Beautiful Things

by plantbaby987



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, BAMF Remus Lupin, F/F, F/M, James Potter is a Good Friend, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Person of Color James Potter, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Sirius Black Needs a Hug, Slow Burn, WIP
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-08
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:07:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29289582
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantbaby987/pseuds/plantbaby987
Summary: Simply, a Marauders story - the gang is at university, lots of poor decisions, unhealthy coping mechanisms, but loads and loads of love. Hope you enjoy <3
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Marlene McKinnon/Dorcas Meadowes, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. September: Introductions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Move-in day: meet the gang. Some hints to past abuse and some present (but very mild) homophobia, so tread lightly. <3

“How lucky is it that we’re in the same flat, Remus!” Lily beamed as they hauled their stuffed suitcases up the stairs. “This is going to be the best year; I can just feel it. Do you think anyone else has moved in yet? Oh, I can’t wait to meet everyone.”

“Lils, darling, I love you,” Remus started, panting, “but can we please talk about how excited we are when I’m not hauling tonnes of crap up a flight of stairs? God, why are we on the seventh floor, this should be illegal.”

“At least we’ll have thighs of steel by the end of the year,” Lily chuckled.

“Okay, how the fuck are you so fit? I feel like my lungs are on fire.”

Lily just grinned at him and pulled open the door at the top of the stairs. Remus followed her into the corridor, clutching his new keys in his hand.

“Ready?” he asked as they reached the front door.

“Ready,” she grinned back. They pushed the door open together, hearts racing, and looked up to see a lanky, brown skinned boy, with a messy mop of dark hair and thick rimmed glasses, dressed almost like he’d just come from a rugby match, beaming from ear to ear, arms open to hug them.

“New people!” he cried down the corridor, Remus and Lily frozen at the door. “Oh, my goodness, I’ve been so lonely! I’m James Potter, it’s so lovely to meet you both, let me help you with your bags.” The boy picked up both of their suitcases with ease, still rambling on, not noticing the rather shocked expressions on their faces. “Which rooms are yours then? I’m down the end in E, opposite the kitchen. I’ve already been here two days, had to move in early because my parents have gone away for work. It’s been so quiet, I felt like I was losing my mind, but now you’re both here and I couldn’t be happier!” He paused for a breath, and put their bags back down, noticing their bemused smiles. “Sorry, little bit of verbal diarrhoea there. I haven’t really seen anyone but the guy at co-op in the past two days, it felt a bit sad going to the pub on my own you know.”

Remus burst out laughing, sticking out his hand for James to shake. “I’m Remus Lupin. This is Lily Evans, it’s a pleasure to meet you, mate.”

James looked like he’d never been happier in his life. He batted away Remus’ hand and pulled them both in for a big hug. “This is going to be the _best fucking year_ and we’re going to be the _best fucking mates_ ,” he released them, still grinning like he’d won the lottery. “Do you guys need help getting your bags? Or tea? I can make you guys a cup if you like, but I’ve only really got chai. Or coffee.”

Lily looked at him sceptically, one eyebrow raised, and took her bag back, dumping it inside the door of bedroom D. “Right… Remus, come on, your dad’s waiting in the car.” She left James standing awkwardly next to Remus in the small corridor.

“Did I say something wrong?” his smile had fallen, and he worried his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Uh… no I don’t think so,” Remus said cautiously. “Sorry, she can be a bit… protective. And blunt, sometimes. Don’t worry about it though, you’ll like her, everyone does. I should probably go and give her a hand, see you in a sec.”

James returned to the kitchen as Remus ran down the stairs to catch up with Lily, and he put the kettle on, waiting for them to come back. Downstairs, Remus and Lily picked up the rest of their bags of bedding and kitchenware, Lyall carrying the heavy box of Remus’ books behind them.

“He seems nice, right?” Remus asked her tentatively as they hauled back up the stairs.

“He’s very keen,” she said, glancing sideways at him. “And he sounds too posh. I don’t like that.”

“Well, I think he’s nice, even if he is a bit eager,” Remus tutted as they rounded the corner onto their floor. “Maybe you’ll get to like him more when you know him better.”

“Hmm,” she said, pushing their front door open again. “We’ll see. He just seems like he’s an arrogant, posh kid, who looks down on people like you and me. Anyway, it’s not like I have to be best mates with him.”

“Okay, well maybe you’ll like the others when they arrive,” Remus opened his bedroom door, dumping his bags and taking the box from his father. He searched through the kitchen things to find some mugs and tea bags, calling out behind him, “Did you want a cuppa, Lils? I’ve got oat milk!”

“Ooh, yes please, love!” he heard, muffled behind her bedroom door. “I’m just going to ring Petunia; tell her I’ve settled in and all.”

Remus made his way back to the kitchen, mugs in hand, and found his father Lyall in animated conversation with James.

“You’re an art teacher? Oh, wonderful! I bet that’s super rewarding,” James was saying, and Remus was glad to see him smiling again. “I don’t think I’d be any good though, I don’t have an ounce of artistic creativity in me. Do you like your students?”

“Yes, they’re fantastic,” Lyall was saying, and he smiled as Remus handed him a mug of steaming tea. “Well, most of them are. Remus here is probably even less creative than you say you are. I even had to call his mother to persuade her to stop him from taking art GCSE, it was really rather unfortunate.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry I wanted to spend more time with my Dad when I only saw you properly once a fortnight!” Remus laughed and took a big gulp of tea. “I really was terrible, though,” he said to James. “It would have been quite tragic if my own father had to fail me in his subject.”

“Lily was always my favourite student, weren’t you, love?” Lyall beamed as she came into the kitchen. “All the way through A Levels, too.”

“Oh, and you were my favourite too, Lyall,” she laughed, and poured her own tea. “Tuney says hi, Remus.”

“Have you guys known each other long, then?” James asked, a little shier now Lily was in the room.

Remus slung an arm round her shoulders, grinning down at her and pulling her close. “Oh, we go _way_ back, don’t we Lils? We were in primary together, then both got into Dad’s grammar school for secondary. She even followed me to college when we were 16, and now she’s followed me to uni.”

“Oh, don’t you start!” she cried, flicking his arm. “I followed you to uni? Yeah, right, we both know it’s the other way round.”

“Well, you know I couldn’t leave you to have all the fun without me,” he leant down and kissed her cheek.

James cleared his throat. “How long have you been together, then?”

Lily and Lyall burst out laughing, and Remus looked embarrassed. “Um… We’re not together. I’m gay, actually. I hope that’s not a problem?”

“Oh, no, of course not,” James flushed. “I’m sorry for assuming, you guys just seem very close.”

“We are,” Lily glared back, having composed herself. “And if you do have a problem with Remus, then you’ll have me to answer to, so watch yourself Potter.”

“Alright, alright, Lils,” Remus said gently. “It’s all good. Although she’s not joking, James, she throws a very neat punch.”

“I’ll bear that in mind,” James laughed awkwardly. “It really isn’t an issue, you know that, right? Thanks for telling me, too. Even though we’ve only just met.”

Lily seemed to soften at that, knowing that James wouldn’t have any reason to dislike Remus.

“Right, well I should be heading home, Remus, love,” Lyall said, rinsing his mug in the sink. “Got to sort out the girls for their first day of school tomorrow. Ring me if you need anything, okay?” he pulled Remus into a tight hug. “I’ll miss you. Love you, kid.”

“Love you, too, Dad,” Remus pulled away. “Call me when you’re back? I want to wish the girls good luck at school.”

“Of course,” Lyall said. He pulled Lily into a hug next, “See you, Lily, dear. Your Mum and Dad would be so proud of you right now.”

“Thank you, Lyall,” she said quietly. “And I’ll be sure to keep him in line,” she poked Remus in the ribs.

“Right, my darlings, see you soon. Behave. I love you both,” and he turned out the door of the kitchen, waving.

“Love you Dad! Bye!”

Remus and James chatted away in the kitchen for a while longer as Lily went to unpack. James still seemed very eager and chatty but slightly more subdued after Lily’s not so casual threats.

“Where are you guys from, then?” he asked while washing up their mugs.

“Anglesey,” Remus supplied, tidying things away into cupboards. “You?”

“Surrey, middle of nowhere really,” James laughed. “I’m quite glad to be back in a city, village life sort of loses its perks after a while.”

“Oh, nice. Lily’s sister lives somewhere in Surrey now with her husband.”

They looked up as they heard a soft knock on the doorframe. A boy was standing awkwardly, a big duffel bag over his shoulder, a rolled-up duvet, and a guitar case at his feet. He was tall and slim, although not quite as towering as Remus, and he had the most beautiful face. Remus thought he looked as though he’d been sculpted by Greek gods. He wore a battered leather jacket and boots, his black hair falling in his eyes, with a jawline and cheekbones that could cut glass. He gave them a small smile that made his stormy grey eyes sparkle.

“Hi,” he said tentatively, trying to hide the stern poshness in his voice, taking them in. “I’m Sirius Black, nice to meet you.”

James beamed and went over to hug him, but the new boy tensed visibly as James came closer. He dropped his arms, offering a hand to shake instead, smile unwavering. “I’m James Potter, it’s so good to meet you! Man, I’m so pumped for this year!”

Sirius shook his hand and seemed to relax slightly at James’ grin. Remus stood and wandered over, offering his hand, and though he felt almost speechless, he said quietly, “I’m Remus. It’s nice to meet you, too.”

James seemed not to notice the look of admiration on Sirius’ face when he shook the taller boy’s hand and carried on. “Do you need help with bags? We can help you grab some stuff if you like?”

“I’ve… got my bags here?” Sirius turned to him, confused, and almost embarrassed. “I don’t have anything else.”

“Oh, wow you travel light,” James laughed brightly, but Remus could hear a patch of concern in his voice. “Which room is yours?”

“Is that a new voice I hear?” Lily came out of her room, smiling at Remus. “Nice to meet you, I’m Lily,” she turned cheerily to Sirius who looked a little overwhelmed.

“Wow, you’re all so nice,” he said quietly, looking at the floor. “Um… I’m just going to… sort myself out,” and he left towards his bedroom, next to James’.

“Is he okay?” Lily whispered when the door shut.

“I don’t know. He only has one bag, I wonder why?” James said quietly. “He seems pretty cool though, I think we’ll be good mates.”

“He’s fucking beautiful,” Remus almost whined, earning a sharp laugh from Lily, and he shot her a stern look.

“Alright, Lupin, keep it in your pants!”

“Oh, piss off, Evans, don’t tell me you don’t think so, too.”

“Well,” she smiled coyly, “I won’t lie, he’s certainly got something good going for him.”

The front door opened again to a plump boy, with messy sandy hair, parents fussing over him. He was shorter than Lily, who wasn’t exactly tall herself, and he looked up at them all nervously, eyes wide.

“Hi there, mate, I’m James!” he called down the corridor. “Do you need a hand with anything?”

The boy froze and looked at James in amazement. His parents ushered him in, shutting the door behind them. “Hello everyone,” the boy’s mother crooned. “This is Peter. Come one Petey, say hello!”

“Hey,” he muttered, cheeks reddening. “Um, nice to meet you all.”

“I’m Lily, and that’s Remus,” she smiled at the family. “We’ll let you settle in, Peter.”

“I wonder who else is left to come,” Remus said, turning to his bedroom. “I’m just going to grab a book Lils, then we can go and get some lunch, yeah? James, you’re welcome to join, of course.”

He left James and Lily in the corridor.

“Um- I don’t have to come, you know, if you want to just stick with Remus. I don’t want to impose… and I’ve got stuff here, so if you don’t want me to come that’s fine-”

“Come or don’t, Potter,” Lily cut him off, crossing her arms. “I don’t really mind.”

“Okay, nice,” James looked positively radiant, despite Lily’s evident apathy. “I’ll just put some real clothes on, can’t go out like this.”

Remus came back out of his bedroom, holding up his book for Lily to see. “Got it,” he grinned. “What do you fancy for lunch?”

“Oh, I don’t mind,” she said. “I think there’s a nice coffee shop up the road a bit.”

“Okay, I’ll ask Sirius, Peter will probably want to eat with his parents,” he knocked on Sirius’ door gently. “Sirius? It’s Remus. Do you want to come out for lunch with us?”

There was the sound of banging, and Remus heard a sharp yelp, then the door opened to Sirius clutching his foot and looking up at Remus, face flushed.

“You okay there, mate?” Remus grinned, holding back his laughter.

“Um, yeah,” Sirius looked embarrassed. “You scared me, when you knocked, sorry. I dropped my guitar on my foot.”

“I’m sorry for startling you,” Remus was concerned now, laughter gone from his face, but he still smiled. “Do you fancy it, then? Lunch? Lily and James are coming with, too.”

“Yeah, okay, lunch would be nice,” he said as James came out of his bedroom. “Sorry, I don’t really know how to do this, I don’t have many friends,” his voice was casual.

“Well, you have us now, Sirius,” James said kindly, pulling on his jacket. “Is Peter coming?”

“Peter, would you like lunch with us?” Lily called. They heard a very muffled ‘no’ from behind his door. She looped her arm in Remus’ and they made their way out the building and along the busy main road. James was chatting away animatedly to Sirius, who still looked a little shellshocked, but was laughing along at James’ jokes, occasionally offering his own witty remarks. It seemed like they’d known each other forever, the way they were already so at ease with each other.

“This was the right decision, wasn’t it?” Lily looked up at Remus. “Getting out of that god awful town? All those terrible people?”

“Definitely the right decision, Lils,” he smiled down, holding her worried gaze in his. “We’ll be alright. Come on, let’s get some veg in you.”

The four of them sat bunched together in the small café, Lily and Remus sharing a pot of tea, and James and Sirius with strong coffees. James was regaling them with tales of his days at Eton, Lily shooting ‘I told you he was an arrogant posh prick’ glances at Remus. Sirius seemed more and more comfortable around them now, his toothy smile an almost permanent feature on his face now.

“Hang on a mo, you look very familiar now I come to think of it, Sirius,” James paused, turning to look at his new friend. “Are you sure we haven’t met? Where were you at school?”

“Harrow,” Sirius supplied. “Only until Fifth though, got kicked out. I went to some comp near my uncle’s for Sixth form. My little brother’s at Eton though. Regulus.”

“Ooh, what did you do to get kicked out of school?” Lily asked, intrigued, hoping for a juicy story.

“Oh, I mean, um,” Sirius shifted in his seat, but carried on unphased. “My parents kicked me out. Of the house. Stopped paying my school fees, too, of course. So, I ran away to Uncle Alf’s, he took me in.”

“I know Regulus,” James nodded, trying not to sound too concerned at Sirius’ blasé attitude to his family. “He used to hang around with pricks like Snape and Mulciber. He always seemed decent though, I could never work out why he spent his time with them.”

“Yeah, probably my darling parents’ doing, forcing him to hang out with them. I know Mulciber’s family, they’re right tossers. Don’t think I know that Snape bloke, though,” Sirius said casually. “Although I’ve probably met him. I bet he’s one of their lot, bigoted and self-fucking-righteous arseholes.” He laughed bitterly and picked at his sandwich. “Anyway, enough about my appalling excuse for a family. What are we all studying at this fine institution?”

“English,” Remus leant forwards, reaching for the teapot to fill Lily’s cup.

“Law,” Lily thanked Remus with a smile.

James looked positively radiant. “I’m studying Law, too!” he cried. “Oh, I knew this year would be the best.”

“Wonderful,” Lily said tersely, glaring at him. She turned back to Sirius, smiling again. “What about you, then?”

“I’m taking music,” he said grinning. “Thought it might disappoint the parents the most, they fancied me in a life of medicine or economics.”

They continued chatting aimlessly, simply getting to know each other, for a while more. Sirius threw an arm round James’ shoulders as they left, at which James looked so grateful for his new friendship. Lily and Remus wandered behind them again, arms linked as usual.

“They’re not so bad, Lils,” Remus said softly. “You have to give James a chance, at least. He’s not really that arrogant, just confident.”

“Hmm, whatever, Lupin,” her words were harsh, but Remus knew she was teasing.

“Anyway, I’m going to go for a wander and read for a bit, need a little recharge,” Remus said. “Hey, boys, take Lily back with you, I’m going for a walk.”

“Want some company?” Sirius turned to look at them – Remus was grinning at Lily’s mumbling that she ‘didn’t need babysitting, Lupin’.

“Nah, that’s alright,” he grinned and held up his book. “I’ve got Oscar to keep me company. See you back at the flat, Lils, love you.”

“Love you too, Lupin,” she smiled, but still looked miffed at him. “Don’t be out too late, I want to get drunk with you tonight.”

“Alright, alright. See ya lads,” Remus waved, and took off up the hill towards the small park they’d driven past earlier that morning. This was his favourite way to relax. Since he was young, whenever he needed it, Remus would pick up a book and make his way to a park, no matter the season. He would sit and read quietly for hours on end, getting lost in the words until it got dark, and his eyes strained to focus on the page. Not that Remus particularly needed to relax or destress today, but ever the introvert, he wouldn’t say no to some peace and quiet before the evening came.

Lily made her way back to their flat with James and Sirius in tow.

“Is he alright?” Sirius seemed worried. “Did we do something wrong?”

“No, he’s fine,” Lily assured him. “He likes spending time alone with his books. I don’t really get it, I’m always around people. But Remus likes his books more than he likes company, sometimes.”

“He’s lovely,” James said sincerely, earning a look from Lily. “I mean it, he’s really nice. All of you are. I was so worried I was going to end up in a flat of uninteresting, boring old fuckers. But you’re all pretty cool.”

“I came in with very low expectations anyway,” Sirius chuckles, “so I’m equally glad everyone’s so chill.”

Lily turned the key in the lock as they approached their flat. “You’re yet to win me over, Potter, but Remus seems to like you, so that’s a plus. Sirius, however, you’re wonderful,” she said kindly. They wandered back into the kitchen, where Peter was looking equal parts shocked, enamoured, and terrified, surrounded by three chatty girls, who were laughing away.

“Hey Pete, did you have a nice lunch with your parents?” James asked, shocking Peter out of his reverie as he nodded. “Hi girls, lovely to meet you. I’m James Potter.”

The girls stood to introduce themselves. Mary was a petite black girl from East London, with beautiful dark eyes, and a cheeky grin. Dorcas, an international student from Canada, wore her hair in two long braids, and had a perfect spattering of freckles over her light brown skin. Marlene was tall and willowy, with long blonde waves and deep blue eyes, and had a soft Lancashire lilt to her voice. Lily was overjoyed to have more girls in the house and was immediately giggling along with the rest of them. James and Sirius were talking quietly together like they’d known each other their whole lives.

“Go on, I know you’re dying to ask,” Sirius said, smiling slightly at James’ furrowed brow.

“Why did they kick you out?”

He was quiet for a moment, then, very quietly but his voice steady, said, “I’m gay. They _really_ didn’t like that. One of their little cronies’ offspring caught me in the showers with my boyfriend in fifth year and ratted me out.”

James hesitantly reached out and placed a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “I’m sorry that happened to you,” he said earnestly. “But I’m glad you got out. No one deserves to be disliked by their own parents. I know exactly the type of person they are. I met far too many of them at Eton. Nobody here is like that. At least, if anyone is, or even looks at you the wrong way, I will rip their eyes out. I mean it.”

Sirius chuckled softly, looking like he was the luckiest person alive with his new friendship. He glanced down, and said firmly, “I’m not ashamed of it. I never have been. It’s just not something I want everyone knowing about, you know. Given the history. I just don’t think it’s really anyone’s business.”

“I won’t tell a soul. Thank you for trusting me.”

“Of course I trust you,” Sirius said simply.

“What’s everyone drinking tonight then?” Marlene said, looking over at the boys. “I brought some tequila with me, but does anyone have lime?”

“Ooh, I think Remus brought some!” Lily got up to look. “We’ve also got rum if anyone fancies?”

“I’ll stick with the wine, love,” Dorcas said sweetly, “but I’ve got gin too, who wants a bit?”

“Can we order pizza?” Peter piped up. He’d been scrolling through his phone for a while, not really engaging in conversation despite the girls’ best efforts.

“I’ll pass, thanks Pete, Remus wanted to cook something tonight,” Lily smiled.

“Ooh, what’s Mr Mysterious cooking for you then?” Mary cooed at her.

“Oh, he’s hardly _mysterious_ ,” Lily laughed. “Anyone want in? I think we’re doing a curry tonight.”

“I’ll never pass up a good curry,” Sirius said kindly. “Do you think he’ll mind?”

“Of course not, Sirius, love! I’ll text him, actually, he should be coming home soon.”

** MoonFlower: **

**(6:49pm) Lils:** _Hiya darling, you nearly back? I wanna get u drunk as a skunk xoxo_

**(6:50pm) Lupin:** _I was just stopping at saino’s will be back in 10 – what are u drinking? I can pick something up <3_

**(6:50pm) Lils:** _I’m all set cheers :) Sirius is joining us on our curry extravaganza btw xoxo_

**(6:51pm) Lils:** _Ooh actually, can you pick up some beers please? None of ur fancy ipas, just something cheap xoxo Potter will pay u for it_

Remus sauntered into the kitchen just after 7, to find the whole gang crowded around the small table, laughing and chattering cheerily. Even Peter seemed to have perked up.

“Remus!” Lily hugged him as he put the bags down and kissed her cheek.

“Hi love, did you really miss me that much?” he teased. “Hiya all, I’m Remus, for those I haven’t met.”

“Marlene,” she stood to hug him too.

“I’m Dorcas,” she said quietly, next to Marlene as she sat back down.

“I’m Mary,” she batted her eyelashes at Remus. “Pleasure to meet you, Remus.”

“How long have you and Lily been together then, Remus?” Dorcas wiggled her eyebrows suggestively at him.

“Lily, I think we need to spend less time together, this is the second time today,” Remus doubled over in laughter. “We’re not together, Dorcas. I’m gay,” he said, shooting a grin at her.

“You’re gay?” Peter sneered.

“Yes Peter,” Lily turned on him. “Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, not at all,” he flushed red. “I’ve just never met a gay person before.”

“I’m gay too, Pete,” Dorcas said haughtily. “Well, bisexual at least. Is that okay with you?”

Peter looked thoroughly embarrassed now. “Yes, I suppose,” he muttered, turning back to his phone.

“Right, let’s get to it then,” Remus clapped his hands together, grinning. “James, I have brought you beer,” he pulled it out of the bag, mock bowing to James as he handed it over. “I have also brought chocolate for everyone, because I love it and you all should too. And I have all sorts of curry-able things for us to enjoy, Sirius. Fan of chickpeas?”

“Uh… yeah,” Sirius gaped awestruck at Remus, and James shot him a knowing glance. “Thanks, chickpeas are great. You’re sure you don’t mind me boycotting your curry night?”

“Nah of course not, the more the merrier!” Remus shuffled around in a cupboard for a saucepan. “Anybody else? Fair warning, it won’t be meaty, Lils and I are vegetarian.”

A chorus of agreement spread round the table (and a grumble of ‘yeah alright, I still want pizza though’ from Peter), and Remus got to cooking, a fancy IPA in hand. The girls decided to make a celebration of their first night together and went to change, and James disappeared for a moment before returning with a speaker.

“Who wants to chuck some tunes on then?” he called, cracking open a beer and offering one to Sirius, who whipped out his phone and found Spotify.

“Bit of classic rock and such alright?” he asked, barely waiting for a response before choosing a playlist. Remus whooped as the opening bars of Talking Heads’ _Psycho Killer_ filled the kitchen.

“Turn it up!” they heard Lily shout from the corridor as she propped open her bedroom door. Within minutes, Remus was singing along with Sirius, chopping onions so quickly James was worried he’d chop his fingers off. The girls re-joined them in the kitchen shortly after and cracked open some more drinks.

“You look very nice,” James looked rather dumbfounded at Lily. She’d chosen a forest green dress and had curled her auburn hair into bouncy ringlets.

“Oh, you look beautiful, darling,” Remus smiled cheekily at her. “So beautiful, in fact, that it seems a waste not to put it all to good use and pop on some rice, please?”

“Thank you, boys,” she said, rather amused, as she pulled out a pot and found the rice in the bottom of Remus’ shopping bag. She sat with Mary and Dorcas, chatting away about their courses, and their hometowns, and it was the picture of joy.

“Right then, grubs up!” Remus called jovially over his shoulder. “Who wants to give me a hand then?”

Sirius stood immediately, nearly knocking Peter off his chair. “Remus, sit, I’ll do that. You’ve already done enough.”

Remus smiled at Sirius, who flushed and looked a little awkward. “Thank you,” he took a swig of beer. “Okay, there’s extra chilli here because I didn’t know how hot you all like it. And some more coconut milk should you want it.”

“This looks lovely, thanks angel,” Lily said across the table.

Sirius sat between Remus and James, smile permanently spread across his face. The curry was dished out, and even Peter seemed somewhat appreciative.

“Remus,” Mary cried out. “This is _fucking fantastic_!”

“You’re a genius,” Marlene leant across the table to him. “Thank you.”

“Lupin this is even better than my mum’s,” James looked impressed. “Don’t tell her I said that, though, she’ll have my head.”

“He’s pretty good, right?” Lily teased. “Took him a long time to use the toaster of course, but now he’s brilliant.”

“Alright, alright, thank you everyone,” Remus grinned around the table. “Eat, before it gets cold.”

They ate in comfortable silence, occasionally muttering more appreciation for Remus’ cooking, who looked thoroughly content with his new bunch of friends. They finished quickly, James and Dorcas naming themselves chief washer-uppers, with Lily and Peter drying next to them. Remus slipped out the kitchen door and into his bedroom. He leant his head against the back of his door, breathing slowly, suddenly feeling incredibly overwhelmed. He shot his eyes open, startled, as he heard a soft knock on the door. Spinning around, he attempted to compose himself, and yanked open the door to Sirius, concern etched on his face. Remus stuck on a smile, looking down at him.

“Sirius, hi, you alright?”

“I’m okay,” he said slowly. “I feel like I should be asking you that, though. What are you doing out here?”

Remus let a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “Um… yeah, no, I’m fine. Thank you. Just- just a little dazed I think.” He made his way over to his bedside table, pulling out a bar of chocolate and a pack of cigarettes. Breaking off a few squares, he offered some to Sirius. “Want some? Sorry, I think I could just really use a smoke right now. Coming with?” he said round his chocolate.

“I wouldn’t have had you pegged,” Sirius teased, pulling out his own lighter and tobacco from his leather jacket.

“Yeah, it’s a filthy habit,” Remus laughed and winked at him, as they made their way downstairs. “Don’t tell Lily, I told her I quit three weeks ago.”

“So, how are you?” Sirius asked after a pause.

“I’m fine, really,” Remus started. “Sorry to drag you out here, and all. I’m just not always very good at handling lots of people.”

“I understand. As I said earlier, I don’t really have many friends, so this is all a bit much for me. I’m glad of the fresh air.”

“Well, I’m your friend now. And Lily. James and the others, too, of course,” he paused, taking a long drag. “I don’t have many people in my life either. Sort of just Lily, and my dad, and his family.”

“What about friends?”

“Just Lily really,” he smiled sadly. “My ex-boyfriend was very controlling; I sort of lost all my friends when we were together. It’s alright though, Lily’s enough for me.”

“Most of my friends decided I wasn’t worth it when I was kicked out,” Sirius laughed resentfully. “I reckon my parents had something to do with it – persuaded all their shitty little friends to keep their kids away from me. And everyone at sixth-form was kind of boring.”

Remus looked solemn for a moment, then said, “I’m sorry you were kicked out. That’s shit. A really shitty move on your parents’ part.”

“It was pretty shit,” Sirius chuckled. “But I’m glad to be out. They weren’t the most physically _affectionate_ , if you catch my drift. And I would often take the brunt of it to stop them from hurting Reg, which is probably my fault.”

“No,” Remus said firmly. “None of that is your fault. It’s theirs for being cunts. No one should have to experience that, _ever_.”

“You’re right, they’re cunts,” Sirius grinned. “Thank you. I’m glad we’re friends. And that curry really was fantastic, by the way.”

Remus smiled shyly and stubbed out his cigarette. “Oh stop, it was nothing. Come on, Lily will have my guts if she catches me out here.”

They made their way back up the stairs, Remus wishing there was a lift up the seven flights. The party was in full swing by the time they got back – James was singing awfully with Marlene to Blondie, Mary and Dorcas chatting away to Peter. Lily looked up as they came in.

“There you are boys!” she cried. “Where did you bugger off to then?” she went to hug Remus but stopped and squinted her eyes at him. “Have you been smoking again?”

“Me? Never, Lily, who do you take me for?” Remus struggled to hold back his laughter next to Sirius.

“Remus John Lupin I will call you father!” she sounded serious but looked amused.

Remus paled but grinned cheekily, “no, Lils, please, I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. For a few hours, that is.”

Sirius cackled beside him and found himself a drink.

“Really, Remus,” she scolded, “you have to stop! It’s not good for you.”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever you say, _Mum_ ,” he teased, winking at Sirius across the room, who’d sat down with the girls. The rest of the evening passed with lots more drinking, dancing, and James’ appalling singing; even Peter seemed to be having a good time. It was just after 3am when they decided enough was enough, and headed to bed, all happier than they thought they could be.

Remus woke early the next morning, cursing his headache and the light streaming through his open curtains. Knowing there was no chance he’d get back to sleep, he made his way to the kitchen with a book, flicking on the kettle to make some coffee. He settled into the sofa with his cup and began to read. A while later, the kitchen door opened, and he was startled out of his reverie.

“Jesus,” he jumped up, nearly spilling the coffee.

“Sorry,” Sirius looked embarrassed. “Didn’t meant to scare you. What are you doing up so early?”

“Fuck, no, don’t worry, I was away with the fairies,” Remus smiled and put down his book. “Couldn’t sleep either, then?”

“Yeah, I’m always up early, it’s like a curse,” he sighed.

“I know the feeling, trust me. Coffee? There’s some left in the pot.”

“Thanks,” Sirius poured himself some and went to sit with Remus on the sofa. “What are you reading?”

“Picture of Dorian Grey, same as yesterday,” Remus supplied. “Do you know it?”

“It’s one of my uncle’s favourites,” he said softly, not wanting to disturb the morning peace. “Don’t let me stop you, I’m not much of a conversationalist this early, anyway.”

The late September sun filtered through the open window. Pools of dappled light filled the room through the trees outside, and Sirius was struck by the way Remus’ soft brown hair seemed to glow in the sunshine. He took time to study Remus’ face, as though it was a work of art. His hair was still ruffled from sleep, curls falling into his eyes, brow furrowed in concentration. Sirius knew he was one of those people who saw so much beauty in everybody around him but could never see it in himself. He looked right into Remus’ eyes, studying every amber fleck in his pupils, brushed by long, dark eyelashes. He noticed an almost imperceptible scar, thin and white across Remus’ nose that trailed across his left cheek, breaking up the spattering of freckles.

Remus seemed to sense him looking, as his head shot up with a modest smile. “What? Is there something on my face?” he teased.

Sirius looked a little like a deer caught in headlights. “No, sorry… um, carry on with your book, I didn’t mean to disturb you.” This earned a small laugh from Remus as he looked back down to the page.

“I’m nearly finished, anyway,” he said faintly. Sirius watched his long, nimble fingers turn the page, and was struck by the sudden longing to watch them float across the keys of a piano. He could hear the music in his mind; a beautiful Chopin étude filled his ears, and he felt himself smiling and closing his eyes, like he was in the most beautiful concert hall in the world.

“Well, isn’t this the picture of domestic bliss, eh?” Dorcas said knowingly, clattering into the kitchen.

Remus looked up at her, closing his book. “What can I say? I’m the perfect housewife.”

“That you are, Lupin,” Lily teased, just behind Dorcas at the door.

Sirius glanced up at the girls reservedly, and Lily shot him a meaningful grin, with a wiggle of her eyebrows that Remus (thankfully) didn’t notice.

“Right then, who’s for pancakes?” Lily said and called down the corridor for those not already up. Marlene came in a moment later, and, spotting Remus’ book on the table, made a beeline for him to carry on the previous night’s lengthy literature discussion. Mary helped Lily and Dorcas with the pancakes, Peter grumbling behind them that ‘it’s 10am, it’s too fucking early for this’. James was the last up, or so they all thought; he came bounding in 10 minutes after Peter, sweaty and flushed after a 5 mile run round the city.

“Happy Monday, all!” he cried, wrapping a brotherly arm over Sirius’ shoulders, despite his desperate need for a shower.

The rest of the week went in a similar fashion – Sirius and Remus up first, spending a quiet morning together, while James went off on his daily run. The girls would make a wonderful breakfast, much to Lily’s insistence. Peter would wake last, scruffy and tired, definitely not a morning person. They would all spend the day out and about the city, enjoying different freshers’ events put on by the university, or exploring the architecture and history surrounding them. Remus or James would cook them a wonderful supper every evening – a lasagne, soup, or a Mexican feast – and they’d drink the night away in one of the many the pubs or bars in the centre of town.

It was the perfect start to their university life – fun and free and full of love for their new friendships.


	2. October

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ooh a lot happening here. Remus has found himself a fancy-man, a little bit of his backstory, and Sirius spills all to James.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> References to an abusive relationship, so please go carefully with this one. <3

The start of term was a whirlwind. Remus threw himself into his lectures and readings like he was born to do it. He and Marlene shared most of their classes and could spend hours together in the library or kitchen, noses in books, sharing their favourite details. James and Lily were less successful in their cohabitation in Law lectures, though not for James’ lack of trying.

Lily would try and sit as far away from him as possible, wishing to focus instead of listening to James’ ‘childish jokes’ about the lecturer’s saggy moustache or nasal voice. She was convinced he wasn’t taking his degree seriously, despite only being a week or so in. Little did she know, James was perhaps the most dedicated student on the course, spending as much of his free time as possible reading up and memorising figures and cases. He simply wanted to make Lily laugh.

Peter had managed to find a nice group of like-minded guys in his Computer Science lectures, and he’d spend hours with them, talking about god knows what. Dorcas was loving her architecture lectures; she would spread out her notes all across the kitchen table, explaining them animatedly to an awestruck Marlene whenever she got the chance.

Mary, too, was loving her course. Geography girls, she said, were always the most down to earth and the most up for gossiping about boys. She took the teasing surrounding her degree on her chin (‘do you just spend your entire time colouring in, then?’ Remus had joked) and gave them back just as well as she received (‘at least my degree has a purpose, Lupin, all you do is read things written by dead, white men’).

Sirius, it seemed, had become somewhat of a celebrity in the music department. He was always the first to answer the lecturer’s questions and got consistently top marks in composition. He was known to spend hours downstairs practicing after his classes, much to every other students’ mild jealousy at his talent.

All the music girls, first, second, and third years alike, fancied him. Of course, he played it up wherever he could, with winks and subtle teases, resulting in lots of high-pitched giggling, but he knew he only had eyes for one person.

Remus had been introduced to one of Mary’s course mates at the end of September. Gideon Prewett was a geography student from Ireland with a mess of bright red hair to rival Lily’s, and the most freckles Remus had ever seen on somebody.

Lily was extraordinarily pleased for Remus.

“I’m so glad you’re happy, Remus,” she would say most mornings over breakfast.

“I am,” he said sincerely. “Aren’t you happy, too Lils?”

“Of course, _I’m_ happy, I meant I’m glad that you’re happy with Gideon.”

“Oh… yeah, sure I’m happy. I mean, it’s not exactly serious.”

“What are you two planning for today then?” James asked one Friday morning late-October, pouring a coffee.

“Nothing very exciting,” Remus said, not spotting the scowl from Sirius at the mention of Gideon. “I think we’ll just do some work and shit, then meet you all at the pub for a drink. His twin brother’s staying, I think, so someone new for Mary to dote over,” he teased, sending a smirk her way.

“At least I haven’t fallen in love with the male equivalent of my best friend,” Mary joked back, grinning at Lily.

“That’s because no man could ever come close to being my equal,” Marlene quipped.

“Anyway, Gideon’s fit, so I would assume his twin is too. Is he single?” she giggled.

“I’m not in love with him,” Remus said honestly. “I’ve only known him three weeks, it’s not like we’re not about to start planning the wedding of the century.”

“How long’s his brother here, Remus?” Lily asked, trying to move the conversation into less awkward territory.

He took a bit of his cereal, and said, “I don’t know, a fortnight, maybe? He lives with their sister, Molly, and she’s having another kid soon, so they want him out the house.”

“Well, I’m looking forward to meeting him,” James said politely. “Are you going to bring them to my match tomorrow? I assume you’re all still coming?” He had been accepted onto the university rugby team almost immediately, the captain having known his exceptional talent from school.

“I’ve got to practice in the morning,” Sirius muttered, “but I’ll try and make it – starts at 10, right?”

“Sirius, you’ll waste away with all the practicing you do!” Marlene cried. “You’ll practically turn into a piano if you spend much longer at it.”

Sirius grinned cheekily at her. “I’ve not got much else to do, though. The only fancy geography student in my life is darling Mary. Besides, I’ve already written my essay that’s due next week, and practically finished my composition.”

Remus let out a low whistle. “Damn, Sirius, how are you so ahead of things? I feel like I’m drowning in assignments at the moment.”

“That’s because I don’t spend all the time I should be working sticking my tongue down a ginger’s throat,” Sirius spat, rather cattily.

Remus looked slightly affronted, and an awkward silence came over them all. “Right, well on that lovely note,” he stood, and quickly rinsed his cereal bowl. “I’m going to meet Gid at the library to stick my tongue down his throat, as you so gracefully put it. See you all tonight.” He left the room.

“Are you being serious right now, Black?” Lily glared at him.

“I’m always being Sirius.”

“Oh, fuck off,” she sighed, standing too. “Can’t you just be happy for him? I know he hasn’t exactly been spending as much time with us as usual, but this is the best I’ve seen him in a long time, and I won’t let you fucking ruin that!” She stormed out the room, Marlene and Mary quickly following behind, shooting withering looks at Sirius.

James stared at Sirius across the table for a moment, watching him eat his breakfast.

“What?” he said round a mouthful of toast. “Why are you watching me eat; it’s fucking creepy.”

James hummed and said, “We’re going for a walk. Put a coat on.”

“But I haven’t finished my- oh, whatever, fine. Give me two minutes.” He followed James out the door a moment later, lighting a cigarette as soon as he was outside.

“Where are we going? It’s bloody freezing.”

“I did tell you to get a jacket,” James reprimanded.

“Yeah, whatever, _mum_. I’ll warm up as we walk.”

They strolled calmly along the main road for a moment, towards the river.

“Are you ever going to tell him?” James asked suddenly.

“Tell who what?” Sirius looked perplexed.

“Remus, obviously,” James said bluntly. “That you like him.”

Sirius stopped in his tracks, gaping at James. “I don’t- I’m not-” he sputtered for a moment. “I don’t like Remus. I mean, I _do_. But not like that. He’s my friend.”

“Sure,” James said slowly as they carried on walking.

“I don’t,” Sirius maintained, then, “Okay, fine, maybe I do.”

“Knew it,” James laughed. “Are you going to do anything about it?”

“I can’t, he’s with Gideon, the prick,” he muttered under his breath, not really feeling the sentiment. “Anyway, it’s not like it would work with us. At least as long as we’re living together – it’s like incest, you know, you can’t sleep with your flatmate. Besides, I don’t want to ruin things.”

“Have you told him you’re gay yet?” James queried.

“No,” Sirius murmured. “I don’t think it would make a difference, anyway. He’s not into me. It’s fine, the feeling will go away eventually.”

James looked rather downcast at that statement. “Is that really how you’re going to live your life? Just ignore any feelings that come about, even though they might be the best thing to ever happen to you? Not that Remus is necessarily that, I mean. Just… Are you ever going to let yourself be happy?”

Sirius looked across the water at the boats in the harbour. “I am happy,” he said unconvincingly. “At least, I’m the happiest I ever remember myself being. Anyhow, maybe some people just aren’t supposed to have that sort of happiness. I’m perfectly content surrounded by you all, what more do I need?”

“You need to get laid, so you can remember what you’re missing out on,” James said crassly, earning a sharp laugh.

“Oh, well, if it’s as simple as that,” Sirius retorted sarcastically.

James laughed loudly, but his face fell quickly, returning to concern for his friend. “Really though, Sirius. I’m worried about you. You’ve got to get out of this thinking that you don’t deserve good things. It’s just not true. And if you’re not going to go for it with Remus, and I get it, it would make things awkward if it went south, then at least give yourself options. You know, put yourself out there.”

Sirius smiled at him openly, “I know,” he said. “I think you’re right. It’s just tricky, reversing 19 years of having it drilled into me that I’m not worth it,” he rolled his eyes. “And I don’t want to go all sob story on you, I’m not like that. I just don’t know how to change that thinking. But I’ll learn, I guess.”

“You’re too harsh on yourself,” James said knowingly, cutting Sirius off before he could disagree. “Don’t tell me you’re not. I know for a fact that you’re already the top of your year, you get the best marks even with minimal effort, you’re basically fucking Mozart you’re so talented. Just give yourself a bit of a break, yeah? Let yourself actually _live_.”

Sirius took a long drag on his cigarette before stumping it out on the railing. “I will, Jimmy,” he said quietly. “Or at any rate, I’ll give it a go. Anyway,” he said optimistically, “onto brighter things. You looking forward to the match tomorrow?”

“Oh, mate, I’m so fucking pumped,” James grinned, and they continued walking. “I cannot wait to get back on the field. Last time I played, I think, was against your brother.”

“Ooh, how did he try and cheat at that one?” Sirius smirked. “Hope you didn’t let the bugger win?”

“I’ve never let anyone win,” James beamed. “Man, it’s going to be so good. Training’s been going so well. I hope everyone comes,” there was a hint of apprehension in his voice. “I mean, it would just be nice, right?”

“Of course, we’re all coming, mate,” Sirius threw an arm over his shoulders. “Wouldn’t miss it for the world. I’ll even make sure to drag Lily along for you,” he winked cheekily.

“Oh, piss off, you wanker,” James said, but even he couldn’t hide the flush creeping up his neck. They walked back to the flat, yakking and bickering about everything and nothing, like they’d known each other forever.

In the library, Remus was working hard on his essay. Well, ‘working hard’ was maybe an exaggeration. He was certainly working, or trying to, but he couldn’t help his mind from wandering back to Sirius’ words over breakfast. He didn’t quite know where he stood in their friendship – he had thought things were going well, they certainly had seemed to get along in freshers’ week. Now he had started seeing Gideon, though, he barely spent any time with Sirius. Perhaps he should be making more of an effort?

He was broken out of his train of thought by a low whisper behind him.

“Hey Lupin,” Gideon pulled out the chair next to him. “What are you working on?”

“Hiya,” he smiled, looking up from his clunky laptop screen. “Just finishing up an essay.” There was a snooty ‘shhh’ from one of the desks behind him. “Do you want to get out of here? Get some lunch?”

He packed up his notes and left the stuffy library. They made their way to the little on-campus café.

“How are you?” Gideon asked, lacing his hand in Remus’, despite Remus’ obvious discomfort at that. “You look sort of away with the fairies. What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing, really,” Remus shook his head. “Sorry, just thinking about this essay. I know it doesn’t really count, being first year, but I want to do well.”

“You’re a perfectionist, aren’t you? Tell you what, why don’t we take our sandwiches out, we can go back to yours and you can finish off your essay there? I’ve got some bits to finish up, too, and I sure could use Mary’s help.”

“Oh, I wanted to do something fun this afternoon,” Remus sighed. “I’m sick of these bloody essays.”

“We have plenty of time, Remus,” he said kindly. “We can do something fun next weekend, okay? Your work will all be handed in by then, right?”

“Yeah, yeah, okay. I’m sorry to be such a boring mate.”

“You’re not boring, you’re dedicated. Anyway, tell me all about this Milton bloke and his lost paradise who’s troubling you so much while we walk.”

Back at the flat, Remus settled into work at his desk, Gideon sprawled on his bed behind him going over some geography notes, both concentrating in comfortable silence. At around 4, Remus had made lots of progress on his paper, and Gideon had finished his reading.

“I’m just going to go and ask Mary about something for this lecture, Remus,” he said, earning a small ‘mmm’ from Remus. “Do you want a cuppa when I come back?” he heard another ‘mmm’, and left the room chuckling to himself.

Gideon knocked on Room E across the corridor, calling softly, “Mary? You in there?”

The door flew open a moment later, Sirius glaring out. “What?”

“Oh, sorry,” Gideon started. “Thought this was Mary’s room?”

“She’s in F, not E,” Sirius said condescendingly. “What do you want her for, anyway?”

“Sorry,” Gideon said again. “Just wanted to ask some geography stuff… sorry to bother you, mate.”

Sirius slammed the door in his face, as Mary poked her head out into the corridor.

“Hey, Prewett,” she cooed. “Were you looking for me?”

“Yeah, sorry…” he looked affronted. “Wrong door, I guess. Just wanted to know if you had those notes from Jones’ lecture the other week? I sort of fell asleep while he was droning on.”

“Of course, love, come in. He sends me to sleep too! How’s it going with lover boy Lupin?” she giggled. “You seem to be getting on well.”

Gideon felt a blush creeping up his neck, and looked at the floor, grinning. “Yeah, it’s good. Nothing serious yet, obviously. But yeah, I really like him.”

“I’m glad,” she said, searching in her bag. “Here you go, that’s the lecture notes and some notes I did on the readings.”

“You’re a lifesaver MacDonald,” Gideon thanked her. “I’ll leave them with Remus once I’m done, yeah?”

“Anytime, love,” she opened the door. “I’d love to stay and chat, but I’ve got a hot date in 5, so I’ll see you later.”

“Tell me all about it tonight, and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Gideon said jauntily, walking into the kitchen to make some tea.

He went back into Remus’ room, placing two steaming mugs onto his desk, and wrapped his arms around his shoulders behind him, producing a soft hum of appreciation.

“I don’t think your flatmate likes me very much,” he said, light-hearted, stroking a hand through Remus’ hair.

“What, Mary?” Remus shut his laptop, turning around in his confusion. “No, she loves you. What makes you think that?”

“No, the other one. Sirius.”

“Oh,” Remus looked disappointed. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s got into him lately. I’ll have a word about it later.”

“Hmm, you don’t have to, it’s okay.”

“No, I won’t have him being a dick to you,” Remus said firmly. “In other news, I’ve nearly finished my essay. Think we deserve a break from working so hard all afternoon, don’t you?”

“Oh yeah?” Gideon laughed as Remus stood, pulling him over to the bed. “What did you have in mind?”

“You know, something casual. I was thinking, maybe just an in-depth debate about the Conservative government’s recent failings, and the economic crisis facing Britain on the back of leaving the EU. Nothing special,” he teased, leaning down and kissing Gideon hard, hands trailing down his chest.

“Oh,” Gideon gasped as Remus’ hands slipped under the waistband of his jeans. “You really knowhow to excite a man, Remus Lupin.”

Remus smirked against his lips, tracing soft kisses along his jaw, unbuttoning his shirt with nimble fingers. “Is that right?” he whispered sultrily into Gideon’s ear. “Why don’t you show me just how excited you are.”

He trailed down Gideon’s torso with lazy kisses, lingering at his nipple with a flick of his tongue.

“God, you’re good at this Lupin,” Gideon panted, dick twitching in his pants.

Remus looked up at him with a smirk, strong hands pushing his hips hard into the mattress. “I know,” he winked, and pulled Gideon’s underwear down, taking his cock expertly in his mouth, licking slowly along the underside and leaving a wet kiss to the head.

Gideon moaned loudly above him, spurring him on. He worked hard, and Gideon was close to the edge within minutes. He felt strong hands pull at his hair as Gideon’s back arched up, hips still forced firmly into the bed. Remus stroked a hand along the other boy’s stomach, reaching up to play with a nipple, sending Gideon into bliss almost instantly. He came with a soft cry down Remus’ throat, beathing heavily. He pulled Remus up roughly, kissing him languidly.

“Your turn,” he whispered, hands at the base of Remus’ shirt.

Remus shook his head softly and pushed himself up. “No, don’t touch me,” he panted, beginning to stroke himself quickly. “I’ll do it.” This was the way it always went with them – Remus would never let Gideon touch him, no matter how much Gideon wanted it. Remus would work himself to the edge completely silently, coming into his hand without the slightest hint of pleasure.

He staggered off the bed, wiping his hand in a tissue and zipping up his jeans, the slightest flush across his cheeks, and sat back down to continue working on his essay.

“Why do you never let me touch you?” Gideon asked, still coming down from his orgasm.

Remus shrugged, standing up. “I don’t know,” he lied. “Just much prefer giving than receiving, I guess. Anyway,” he opened up his laptop, “isn’t it nice to not have to do any of the hard work?”

“I suppose,” Gideon tucked himself back into his jeans and did up his shirt buttons. “But it’s a bit weird, right? Don’t you trust me? Are you not attracted to me, or something?”

“I wouldn’t put your cock in my mouth if I wasn’t attracted to you, Gid,” Remus said simply. “Can we not talk about this? It’s not a ‘you’ thing, I don’t let anyone touch me.”

“Okay, okay. Whatever you say,” Gideon sighed, sitting on the edge of the bed.

“And look, at least this way, it’s over quickly and our tea’s now a perfect temperature to drink,” Remus said testily, handing him a mug and sighing. “I’m sorry, I’ll fuck you properly later if you’re really that desperate, but this works for me, okay? As long as you don’t touch me.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Gideon smiled kindly. “I didn’t mean to push you, we’ll stick with whatever you’re comfortable with.”

The pub was crowded, even for a Friday night. Remus was chatting animatedly with Gideon’s brother Fabian about life with their sister in Northern Ireland. Mary and Gideon were telling Marlene about their upcoming fieldtrip. Peter was telling Dorcas about the girl on his course he fancied (also the only girl on his course), and Lily was steadfastly ignoring James’ poor attempts at comedy, all packed around a large table in the back of the pub.

“Damn, Prewett, I must be drunker than I thought, I’m seeing double,” Sirius joked as he joined them all at the table.

“Oh, so you’re being nice now?” Remus said scornfully, looking across at him.

“I’m always nice, Remus,” Sirius spat back. He extended a hand across the table to Fabian, adopting his most charming voice. “I’m Sirius, pleasure to meet you.”

“Fabian,” Fabian grinned, shaking his hand, clearly unaware of the tensions between Remus and Sirius.

Remus stood quickly, startling the others at the table. “I’m going out for a smoke. Come on, Black.”

Sirius raised his eyebrows but didn’t argue. “Right, guess I’m going for a cigarette then. Lovely chat, Fabian.” He followed Remus out to the smoking area.

“Is there something wrong?” he asked innocently, flicking his lighter.

“Do you have a problem with me, Sirius?” Remus fumed, taking a long drag on his cigarette. “Or with Gideon?”

“No, of course I don’t. Especially not with you,” Sirius snapped back.

“I never would have had you down as homophobic, Black,” Remus scoffed. “But I’m glad I’ve learnt this about you now, before I waste any more time trying to be friends with you.”

Sirius was shocked. How could Remus think he was homophobic? He stood for a moment, speechless, before trying to sputter out an objection.

“Right, I think we’re done here,” Remus looked furious as he turned back to the door.

“Wait, Remus, _please_ ,” Sirius grabbed his arm, stopping him in his tracks. “I’m not like that,” he said fiercely. “I promise you. Please believe me. I don’t know what’s got into me, I’m sorry. Really, Re, I never want to hurt you. I’ve been such a prick lately, I don’t know why, it’s got nothing to do with you. Honestly. Please be my friend.”

Remus looked into Sirius’ pleading eyes and relaxed slightly. “Has is got something to do with who I’m sleeping with, then? Do you not like him? I’m sorry he knocked on your door earlier instead of Mary’s, but you didn’t have to be such a dick about it.”

“No, Remus,” Sirius furrowed his brow. “I think… maybe I’m jealous? I don’t really know; I’ve never been a jealous person before.” He ran an agitated hand across his face. “I do like him, he’s a good guy. You just spend so much time with him, I feel like I never see you anymore. And I know, it’s not like I have a monopoly on you, or our friendship. You’re just important to me, Remus, you’re my best friend.”

Remus’ face fell, and he lit another cigarette. “I know, Sirius. You’re my best mate, too. Which is why I don’t understand where this is coming from. Look, I know I’ve been sort of neglecting us lately. I’m sorry for that, I’m going to make more time for you and the gang. Just… can you stop being such an arse?”

“I really am sorry, Remus. I’m going to apologise to Gideon, I was out of line earlier,” Sirius still looked vexed. “I should probably learn some boundaries, right?”

Remus laughed and pulled Sirius in for a firm hug. “It’s fine, Sirius, you’re alright. As long as you’re not about to hate crime me, we’re all good. Just, maybe keep the attitude to a minimum with Gid? And I promise I’ll make more time for you; you’re important to me, too.”

Sirius beamed, squeezing Remus tight. They made their way back to their friends, both much more relaxed.

“You boys alright?” Lily asked cautiously, looking for any sign on conflict in Remus’ eyes.

“We’re all good. Lupin was just professing his love for me,” Sirius teased with a wink.

“Oh, don’t you wish, Sirius,” Remus said sarcastically, leaning back in his chair with a smirk, and turning to Gideon.

“He really does- ow _fuck_!” James muttered before Sirius kicked him swiftly under the table.

“What was that Potter?” Marlene teased, eyebrows raised at the horror on his face.

“Nothing,” Sirius shot her a significant look. Remus seemed oblivious, too engrossed in conversation with Gideon to notice James’ slip-up.

The next morning was grey and drizzly. The whole flat slogged up to the rugby pitch, miserable and hungover, but loyal to their promise to James. Lily linked her arm in Remus’ like always, Sirius making an effort to get to know Gideon ahead of them, Fabian looking slightly accosted by Mary’s obvious flirting.

“What was going on yesterday?” she asked. “With you and Sirius?”

“I don’t really know, Lils,” Remus admitted. “He’s been so weird lately. Apparently, he’s jealous of all the time I spend with Gid, but he didn’t really have a real explanation for why he’s being a prick.”

Lily hummed knowingly, something which always drove Remus mad.

“What? What are you not telling me, Evans?”

“Nothing,” she said too quickly. “I just wonder if that’s the real reason he says he’s jealous.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Remus was confused. “What other reason is there?”

“Maybe he likes you,” Lily teased.

“Don’t be ridiculous Lils, Sirius isn’t gay,” but Remus didn’t sound convinced. “Anyway, if he liked anyone, it would be Gideon, not me. Sirius and I are just friends.”

“Okay, maybe you’re right. I’m reading too much into it.”

The walk up the hill was long, and Remus was freezing, so he lit himself a cigarette, handing one to Sirius before he even had to ask, much to Lily’s disapproval.

“Oh, lighten up Lils,” Mary reached up and grabbed Sirius’ hand, taking a long puff from his cigarette. “We’re young and free, live a little!”

Sirius looked rather perplexed at this, but fell into step next to Mary, who winked wickedly behind her to Lily. Marlene pulled her back quickly, whispering furtively (‘do you think they’re together, Lils?’), and they continued up the hill, buzzing for the match.

The pitch was thrumming with anticipation, packed with fans and friends. James had saved them a spot right at the front of the crowd, and they huddled together, excited for the first match of the season. Sirius spotted James across the pitch, waving enthusiastically, and James looked delighted. Peter (poorly) attempted to explain the rules to Dorcas and Marlene, neither of whom knew anything about rugby, so thankfully couldn’t call him out on his mistakes. Lily was deep in conversation with a girl from her course who they’d bumped into. Sirius, Remus, Gideon and Fabian, however, were all watching the game intently, concentration solid the entire match, celebrating louder than anyone else when James’ team won.

Remus wrapped his arms around Gideon in a hug, euphoric, grinning down at him. Gideon leant up to kiss him hard, their friends cheering even louder around them, Remus blushing furiously.

Gideon reached up to weave his hands into Remus’ curls. “I like you a lot Remus,” he said softly.

“Um, we are on the same page with this, right?” he looked concerned.

“What do you mean?”

Remus laughed awkwardly, “Like, I like you, too. But-” before he could finish his thought, Gideon had reached up to kiss him again.

“Oi look at these fucking poofters,” a gravelly voice called out across the noise of the celebrating crowd. “Hey faggots, you don’t belong here, yeah? Piss off and get your disgusting habits out my face.”

Before Remus could stop himself, he turned to the man. “What the _fuck_ did you just say, mate?” Remus’ fists were clenched at his sides as he rounded on him. Others around them had heard, too, and heads were turning to the quickly unravelling scene.

“Remus, mate, calm down,” Sirius grabbed his wrist trying to hold Remus back, fuming at the man’s repulsive outburst.

“Get off me Black,” he seethed, yanking his arm away, storming ahead. He landed a solid punch to the underside of the man’s jaw with a satisfying crack, and staggered backwards as the man punched back, twice as hard. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” he hissed menacingly, twisting the man’s arm behind him in a hammerlock. “You’re _vile_ ,” he spat, and pushed the man to the floor, hitting as hard as he could, before James and Sirius wrenched him away.

“Hey, hey, hey,” James said authoritatively, dragging Remus away. “What the fuck Lupin? What’s got into you?”

“Nothing,” he spat blood from his mouth. “It’s fine.”

“Remus,” Sirius said gently, a hand on Remus’ shoulder. “It’s not fine. I heard what he said, that’s not fine at all.”

“Get the fuck off me,” Remus stormed away, Lily frantically following after him. Gideon stood dumbfounded next to his brother, rooted to the spot, while celebrations continued around them.

“Remus!” Lily shouted, desperately trying to see over the crowds. “Remus Lupin!” she clambered onto a nearby picnic table, scouring the tops of peoples’ heads. Soon enough, she spotted a mop of brown curls, hunched over, stalking towards the city centre. She jumped down, sprinting after his retreating figure.

Remus stuffed his hands in his pockets as he marched off, blood boiling. His thoughts were racing, and he was filled with almost instant regret. What on earth possessed him to punch that man? He hadn’t punched anyone since he was fifteen years old, why now? He faintly heard Lily calling after him, but he ignored her, barely containing his fury. He had no idea where he was going, just kept walking, for what felt like hours.

Lily had long since given up following him, and the rain was coming down full pelt as he walked aimlessly, trying desperately to cool off his anger. His jaw stung where the man had hit him, and he could feel the bruise spreading like wildfire across his chin. He stopped after walking for what felt like miles at the edge of the river, the rugby pitch far behind him, and let his tears fall.

He pulled out his phone with shaking hands, seeing dozens of new messages and missed calls.

** MoonFlower: (7 missed calls) **

**(12:03pm) Lils:** _Remus are you okay? What happened back there?_

**(12:15pm) Lils:** _where are you ?? please come back, I need to know that you’re okay xoxo_

**(12:32pm) Lils:** _call me asap, I can come and get you_

**(13:27pm) Lils:** _okay lupin this is ridiculous, you cannot just storm off. Tell me where you are, I have to know you’re okay_

**(14:17pm) Lils:** _remus please call me. I love you. I hope you come home soon xoxo_

** curry bros: (4 missed calls) **

**(12:03pm) Jumbo Jim:** _remus mate are you good? what happened with that dude??_

**(12:05pm) Jumbo Jim:** _do u need me to come and get you? you looked pretty beat up_

**(12:33pm) Jumbo Jim:** _please call lily (she’s making everyone text lol)_

**(12:36pm) Jumbo Jim:** _I get that u need space rn, but please call us. I’m worried about u bro_

**(13:45pm) Jumbo Jim:** _I’m coming to find u_

**(13:46pm) Jumbo Jim:** _okay no I’m not, just been death glared by evans for trying to leave. I’m going to try calling again, text me as soon as you can please. Love you mate_

** besties<3: (19 missed calls) **

**(12:01pm) bestie siri:** _Remus where have you gone? That dick was out of line he fucking deserves worse. Call me please x_

**(12:05pm) bestie siri:** _Please come back. Or at least ring me. I need to know you’re not dying in a ditch. I can’t lose you Remus, please x_

**(12:59pm) bestie siri:** _Re I’m going mad here. Where are you? I hope you’re safe. I love you x_

**(13:01pm) bestie siri:** _Also, call Lily, or she’ll shoot me x_

**(14:12pm) bestie siri:** _I’m so worried about you. Please give me a ring when you see this, Re. Come home soon, please. I need you to be here, so I know you’re alright. Can’t have you going all awol on me. I love you, Re. Please let me know that you’re safe. Don’t do anything stupid, please x_

** Gid: (2 missed calls) **

**(12:23pm) Gid:** _r u okay remus ? fab and I r going back to mine, please call me when u can xx_

**(13:52pm) Gid:** _r u home yet? I’m worried about u xx_

Sirius was pacing. Up and down and up and down the corridor. Panic was surging through his veins, from the top of his head right down to the ends of his toes. His thoughts were racing faster than ever, filled with terrible scenarios about what could have happened to Remus. He was startled out of his fear by the buzzing of his phone, clutched tightly in his hand, flashing **bestie re** on the screen. He answered immediately, before the first ring had even ended.

“Remus?” his voice cracked down the phone. “Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”

“ _No, no don’t,_ ” he sounded miles away. “ _Please, don’t. I’ve ordered a cab. I don’t really know where I am, though, um-_ ”

“Re, please let me come and get you. I’ll scour all of Bristol to find you, if I must.”

“ _Really, Sirius, it’s fine. I’m getting in an uber right now, I’ll be home in like 20 minutes._ ”

“Are you absolutely sure you don’t need me to come and get you?”

“ _Certain, will you just make sure Lily’s okay?_ ”

“Of- of course, mate. Just get home safe, okay? We’re all worried sick.”

Sirius heard Remus hesitate quickly, then the sound of a car door opening. “ _I’m sorry for making you worry; I’ll be home really soon. And then Lils can shout at me as much as she likes._ ”

“Okay, we’ll all be here. See you in a bit, Re.” The line went dead, and Sirius could feel time crawling to a halt again. Waiting for Remus to come home felt like wading upstream through a strong current, barely steady on his feet, growing more and more desperate for the front door to open onto Remus’ familiar grin. Lily was getting agitated, and Sirius could tell she was hurt that Remus had called him and not her. She was snapping at everything and everyone, concern etched across her face, until they heard Remus’ keys in the door, and she shot up, immediately relieved.

Remus was nearly knocked right off his feet as Lily flung herself at him, hugging him tight.

“Remus John Lupin, where the fuck have you been? I have been worried sick; you could have been mugged! Or murdered!” she’d released him from her death grip and was clearly furious, a hand reaching up to examine his jaw.

“Lily, Lily, calm down. Please,” he held her shoulders gently, eyes gazing into hers. “I’m okay, it’s just a little bruise. And no one in Bristol is going to mug me. Or murder me. You have nothing to worry about.”

“But I do, don’t I?” her voice was sombre. “I haven’t seen you that angry since Fen- since _him_. What happened? What made you get like that again?”

Remus felt terrible; he pulled her into a gentle hug, trying desperately to calm them both down. “I’m sorry, darling. I’m sorry I scared you. I shouldn’t have punched him; I should have had more self-control. I acted like _him_ today, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” he looked over Lily’s shoulder, catching Sirius’ eye at the kitchen door and holding his gaze. “I should never have made you see that side of me.”

Sirius knew that Remus’ words were for him just as much as they were for Lily, and he felt an unfamiliar tug at the bottom of his chest, wishing he could be closer to Remus.

Remus’ phone buzzed abruptly, the shrill ringtone disturbing the strange atmosphere of the corridor.

“Hello?” he fumbled with the phone. “Gid, is that you?”

“ _Remus, are you home? Do you want me to come over?_ ”

“Yeah, I am. No don’t, you’re good,” Remus stepped into his bedroom for privacy. “What’s up?”

“ _Thank you for standing up for me today_ ,” Gideon’s voice came thickly down the line.

“Oh, I didn’t, really.”

“ _Don’t be modest, yes you did._ ”

“No, I mean – I wasn’t standing up for you, I was standing up for myself.”

“ _Oh… well, thank you nonetheless. I appreciate it, Remus. I- um, I really like you._ ”

“Are, um, are we on the same page here, Gid? Because I mean, you’re great, really, but… This isn't going to go anywhere. I thought you were cool being just mates?”

“ _What do you mean? Just mates? No, we’re not just mates, Remus. Is that what you think this is?_ ”

Remus ran a hand through his hair roughly. “Look, Gid, I thought we had an agreement here, when I said I didn’t want anything serious. I told you I wasn’t looking for a relationship from the start, I thought you knew that?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Look, maybe we shouldn’t see each other for a while. You’re a good mate, and a good shag, but that’s all this can be. I’m sorry. I’ll see you around.” He hung up and made his way back to the kitchen, where everyone was waiting for him.

“Is Gideon coming over?” James asked, trying (and failing) to act casual when Remus came in.

“Nah, I’m not seeing him anymore,” Remus flicked the kettle on. “Tea, anyone?”

“What?” Sirius looked at him, appalled at his indifference. “Remus, are you okay about that?”

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be? It was just sex.”

Lily put a consoling hand on his shoulder as he sat down. “But Remus, he was your first since… surely that means something to you?”

“No, he wasn’t,” he explained calmly. “I was seeing Benjy Fenwick over the summer, you know that. Why is this so confusing for everyone?”

“What?” Lily looked astounded. “I thought you were just friends?”

“We are. Friends who occasionally fuck. What’s wrong with that?”

Marlene seemed to be the only one unconcerned with Remus’ sex life. “Okay, enough about Benjy Fenwick, whoever the fuck he is. Are you okay Remus? You just took off.”

Remus’ heart sank. “Yeah… sorry, there was just a lot of emotion, you know? Didn’t want to be around anyone like that,” he said quietly, willing himself not to cry. “I don’t like being angry, it’s feels too much like… I didn’t want to be _him_ ,” he looked right at Lily, hoping frantically to convey what he was feeling. “Anyway, enough about me,” he looked up cheerily. “We need to be celebrating _you_ , Potter, and your fantastic win! Are we drinking tonight?”

Remus’ brief punch-up was put aside as the whole flat began to buzz with excitement and congratulations for James. Drinks were flowing and the party was in full swing by the early evening, the flat filled with James’ teammates and their friends. Remus couldn’t be gladder to have the attention off him, and found his thoughts wandering as the party gathered around him.

Mary and Sirius were dancing, or so Remus hoped (it was a truly tragic mix of flailing limbs and terrible singing – really, no one could have guessed that Sirius was a music student), to Kings of Leon, and James was in deep conversation with his captain Kingsley Shacklebolt. It was surprising, actually, how much more coherent James became when plastered, despite often out-drinking them all by miles. Marlene and Dorcas had secluded themselves away on the sofa, chatting quietly, inches apart to hear themselves over the loud bass blasting the speakers.

“Can I ask you something kind of personal?” Marlene was nervous, and Dorcas could barely make out what she was saying.

“Something personal? What- oh, yeah of course,” she knew exactly where this was going.

“How did you… know?”

Dorcas smiled, taking Marlene’s hands in her own. “Well, it was in maths in year eleven, I think. There was this girl who I only shared maths with, but she was one of my closest friends in the world. We used to spend hours after school together every day, talking about boys and gossiping about who the hottest teacher was, or who the bitchiest in the year was. It was probably us, now I think about it.”

Marlene chuckled quietly, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth, and let Dorcas continue. “After the Christmas holidays, she came back to school with a boyfriend. I had never felt so hurt in my life, and for a long time I had no idea why.”

Dorcas paused, and looked deep into Marlene’s eyes. “I was so sad for so long, and so confused. I thought I’d done something wrong, and that she didn’t want to be friends with me because now she had a boyfriend. I saw them kissing in the corridor one day before maths, and I went into the loos, and cried for the whole hour, because all I could think about was how much _I_ wanted to be kissing her instead of slimy Joe Keegan.

“And then, when I told her this – after getting very drunk of course – she took my hand, and kissed me on the cheek, and told me she loved me, but she would keep on kissing Joe if that was quite alright. And then, last year, she broke up with Joe, we got very drunk at a house party, and shagged in the garden shed.”

Marlene smiled quickly but had tears in her eyes. “I don’t think I want anyone else to know, just yet. I don’t think I know, either. But thank you.”

Dorcas hugged her gently, stoking her hair. “You’re very welcome. And you don’t have to know the answer, just yet. I won’t tell anyone anything you don’t want me to. Just remember, I’m here for you, and I love you, and I want you to be happy, no matter what.”

James had somehow found his way outside for some fresh air, and looked for Remus, finding him – predictably – smoking on the bench.

“Alright, Lupin?” he called cheerily. “Nice right hook you’ve got, by the way.”

Remus nodded in greeting, cigarette between his teeth. “Ah. Shit, I’m sorry about that, you know. I didn’t mean to ruin the celebrations of your win.”

“Nah, you ruined nothing,” James grinned, shivering slightly against the cold. “Prick had it coming, really. Apparently, he’s been harassing Kingsley for months, but none of the guys could be bothered to do anything about it. Glad you did, though.”

“Kingsley’s gay? Kingsley Shacklebolt?” Remus was nearly speechless. “Damn, would never have guessed.”

James laughed loudly; he had one of the purest and truest laughs Remus knew on a person.

“Are you alright, though, Remus? With Gideon, and everything today?” he didn’t bother hiding the anxiety in his voice. “You know you can tell me anything, right?”

Remus smiled back. “Yeah, really, I’m all good. About Gid, that is. It was only really casual for me, but he wanted a relationship. I’m not exactly in the right place to give him that. Thanks, though. You’re a good mate.”

“Eh, I’m only a good mate because I’m mates with good people,” he laughed again. “You’ll tell me if you ever want to talk, though, yeah?”

“Yeah, of course,” Remus slung an arm across James’ shoulders. “Come on, you’re freezing out here.”

The party wound on until the early hours, when, with a mutual agreement to tidy up in the morning, Marlene, Peter, Mary and Dorcas turned in for the night. Lily and Remus sat lazily on James’ bedroom floor; Sirius tangled on the bed with James.

“How’s your hand-jaw combo of bruises coming along there, Lupin?” James teased light-heartedly.

“Oh lovely. I’m nice and drunk, so can barely feel it,” Remus smirked, but felt guilty. “I really am sorry for being so angry earlier. I’ll do a bit less of that, I think.”

Lily nestled into his side sleepily, making herself comfortable. “Yeah, no more Angry Remus, please, you remind me too much of him.”

“I’m sorry,” Remus sighed regretfully. “I don’t like me like that. It doesn’t feel good being him.”

There was a beat of silence, before Sirius asked quietly, “Who was he? The man you keep talking about.” The words had spilled out before he even realised what he was asking. “Wait, no. Um… sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that. I’m sorry.”

Remus looked up at him, smiling sadly and fiddling with his beer bottle. “It’s okay, I don’t mind. I trust you all.” He looked down again, trying to find the right words to start with.

“His name is Fenrir Greyback. He was my first real boyfriend. I met him when I was fifteen, he was nearly nineteen, then. I had just come out to my Dad, and there were some pretty nasty kids at our school. I had to get the bus home from school one day, because Dad had gone home early.

“I was a bit of an easy target for bullying, but just couldn’t be bothered to bite back, though I probably should have. Fenrir saw how upset I was getting and sat next to me. I thought he was going to attack me, honestly, he was the biggest guy in sixth form. But he just sat next to me, like a protector, even staying on the bus after his stop to make sure I got home safe.”

Remus finished his beer, his throat getting dry, and waited for someone to interrupt, but no one did.

“I fancied him pretty quickly. He was practically the only other gay kid in school, and he pretty fit. He was lovely, at first. So kind and sweet, taught me all sorts. He even taught me how to smoke, much to darling Lils’ dismay. The summer after I finished my GCSEs was when things started to get bad. So only really, what five months since we got together?

“Something like that, anyway. He got very controlling very quickly. Wouldn’t let me see my school friends for parties and things, convinced me they were all bad people, bad influences. I couldn’t see what he was doing. Then when we started college, and I came out of my shell a bit, I met a really lovely group of friends. He didn’t like that one bit.”

Remus hadn’t realised he’d started crying at this point, the tears flowing silently into his lap. He carried on, his voice hardly wavering.

“He was angry and hit me a lot in sixth form, when I started fighting back. Nowhere anyone could see, obviously, but he told me it was to remind me I was his, that I belonged to him. I was his ‘little one’. I hated myself every moment of the day. I thought I wasn’t doing enough for him, loving him enough, seeing him enough. I got very angry when I wasn’t with him, like he was the only thing keeping me tethered to the earth.

“He loved that, of course, that I could barely hold myself together when he wasn’t around. I think, now, he only really kept me around for sex and for his sick power complex. The only time I ever saw a way out was when Mum died in the middle of year thirteen. She’d never liked him. But Lily looked after me, and Dad. And it’s okay now, I think. But I think about him whenever I’m angry, and I hate it more than I hate him. That I’m like him.”

Sirius wore a look that could kill. “You are nothing like that,” he said sternly, sitting up, stormy eyes looking straight into Remus soul. “You are sunshine, and light, and joy, and everything that is good. And he is darkness, and hate. You are not the same. I will not let you believe that you are the same as that abhorrent excuse of a person.”

Remus smiled sadly at him, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. “Thank you. But I am like that. You heard Lily earlier, she said I reminded her of him.”

Lily went pale beside him, jerking up to look at him properly. “No. No, Remus, that’s not what I meant.”

“It’s okay, Lils, I get it,” he said, with no hint of bitterness in his voice. “I was like him today. You’re right-”

“No. No you weren’t. Today, you were like _you_ from when you were with him, not like him. _Never_ him,” she said thickly, trying desperately to convey all the honesty she had.

James moved himself gracefully to the floor, sitting directly in front of Remus, taking his hands tenderly and speaking very quietly. “Remus. You’re nothing like him, and I know I’ve never met him, but I think I have a good picture of what he’s like. You are allowed to be angry. You’re allowed to let yourself hate him. I know that we, all of us in this room with you, hate him just as much, maybe more, for what he’s done to you.

“What I want you to try to do, and I know it will be tricky, but hear me out. I want you to forgive yourself; forgive yourself for being angry, for feeling hurt, for feeling like you owe him something. He deserves nothing from you. I want you to try your hardest to love yourself. And whatever you can’t manage, we’re here to pick up the rest. All of it. Always.”

Remus had fireworks in his heart, the support he felt from his friends spilling into every inch of his body, every nerve, every single cell. His eyes met Sirius’ once more, and though he didn’t think it was physically possible, he felt his soul explode with love so strong he could barely contain it. Before he could stop himself, he was smiling so widely, letting out a huge sigh of relief he had no idea he was holding in.

“You- you’re the most _wonderful_ friends anybody could wish to have,” he heard himself say. “I can’t believe I’m lucky enough to have you all. Thank you.”

Sirius joined them all on James’ floor, heartstrings pulling him as close to Remus as he dared. “I think, perhaps, that we’re the lucky ones to have _you_ , Re,” he whispered truthfully. “I know I certainly feel it.” Soft hums of agreement came from James and Lily, who, despite their apparent ambivalence towards each other, seemed to share such honest love for their unexpected little group.

Their sleepy conversation continued into the early hours of the morning, the sky slowly waking up outside, when Lily stifled yet another yawn.

“Come on, Lils,” Remus wrapped an arm around her waist. “Let’s get you to bed, eh?”

“Mmmm no thank you,” she mumbled sleepily, eyes half-closed. “I don’t want to leave; I like it here.”

“At least lie down properly,” James whispered. “You can have my bed and I’ll sleep on the floor. Okay?” He helped Remus manoeuvre her gently into bed, tucking the duvet under her chin.

“Smells of you, Potter,” Lily yawned again, shutting her eyes and falling into a deep sleep.

“Guess I’ll head to bed too, then,” Remus murmured. “Are you sure you’re alright with her there, Jimmy?”

James reached over her for a pillow and blanket. “Yeah, of course,” he made himself comfortable on the floor. “You guys go get some sleep. We’ll be alright here.”

Sirius lay awake for hours, well into the morning, his thoughts racing. He thought about his parents, about Regulus, and his uncle. He thought about his new friends – people he never thought he would have in his life. James, lively and funny and so caring, and so important to Sirius. He thought about Lily’s fierce loyalty, Mary’s compassion for everyone she knew, Marlene’s wicked sense of humour, Dorcas’ bravery and passion, and Peter’s quiet kindness.

Most of all, he thought about Remus. His courage and self-assuredness, despite everything he’d been through. His honesty, his love, his fantastic humour. His hands and smile and eyes and hair and just _him_. Sirius had never felt such a strong pull to a person, as though his purpose in life was simply Remus. Nothing else had mattered more to him than being close to Remus.

At around 8, Sirius resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn’t be getting any sleep, and got up with a sigh, heading towards the kitchen. He nearly jumped out of his skin when opening his door, startled to see Remus standing in the doorway to the kitchen, looking equally devoid of sleep.

“Jesus, you alright there?” Remus laughed quietly at Sirius’ shocked face. “I’m about to make coffee; guess you couldn’t sleep either?”

Sirius flushed pink and followed Remus into the kitchen. “Yeah-” he cleared his throat, voice coming out an octave higher than usual, and tried again. “Yeah, been up all night. You okay?”

Remus poured them both a coffee, smiling wearily. “Oh, you know, nothing I can’t handle,” he handed Sirius a mug, and opened his book.

“What is it this week then?” Sirius sat on the sofa next to Remus, legs curled underneath himself.

“Atonement,” he said softly. “Now, shh. Too early for talking.”

James joined them an hour later, looking unfairly well-rested and not at all hungover, as usual, and sat himself quietly, enjoying the peace and quiet, sharing a few knowing smiles with Sirius. The other members of the flat slowly trickled in, in various states of consciousness and hangover. Conversation was slow and weary, everyone (bar James, of course) nursing their respective headaches, but pleasant and familiar.

The tranquility, however, was shortly disturbed by a short, angry, and confused redhead.

“Potter, why the fuck did I wake up in your bed?” she slammed open the kitchen door, startling everyone.

James looked like a deer in headlights, stammering, “Uh- um- you didn’t want to leave? You refused when Remus tried to take you to bed.”

“Lupin! Why didn’t you insist?” Lily looked appalled, gaping at Remus. “Hang on- I willingly shared a bed with _you_ , Potter? Jesus, I must have been drunker than I thought.”

Remus looked like he was struggling desperately to hold back laughter, and James too dumbstruck to correct her, so Sirius answered instead.

“He was the perfect gentleman, Lils, and slept on the floor,” he didn’t bother hiding the chuckle in his voice. “Don’t you worry.”

“Right- um- yes, that’s right,” James seemed to regain his voice. “Um- pancakes, anyone?”

“Oh, um, before we all eat our weight in delicious pancakes,” Sirius clapped his hands together. “I’d quite like to discuss something rather important.” He glanced around at everyone’s expectant faces, and continued, “What are we all doing for perhaps the most significant holiday of the year, Halloween?”

“Bloody hell, Black,” Remus sighed exasperatedly, but grinned next to him. “You do have a flair for the dramatic; I thought you were about to tell us you were on your fucking deathbed!”

“Remus will go as a werewolf,” Lily complained. “As he does _every damn year_.”

“Well, of course,” Remus laughed. “I’ve got to live up to my namesake somehow, and this way is far more desirable than _actually_ turning into a monster every full moon.”

“Ooh, girls, can we do a group thing?” Mary said excitedly to Lily, Marlene and Dorcas, who soon began plotting excitedly.

“Right, that just leaves us, boys,” James beamed.

“I want to go as someone cool,” Peter said eagerly. “Like David Bowie, or Freddie Mercury, something like that.”

“Bagsy Bowie!” Sirius cried. “Re, you should go as that Irish boxer guy after your shot yesterday, um, what’s his name? Ewan McGregor!”

“Ewan McGregor?” Remus said calmly. “The Irish boxer?” Sirius nodded. “The same Ewan McGregor, famed Irish boxer, who played Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars? Nope, not ringing any bells, for you. Ewan McGregor who played Christian in Moulin Rouge?”

Sirius groaned in embarrassment and lay his head on Remus’ shoulder, shaking with laughter. He didn’t notice Remus’ breath hitch, or his heartbeat quicken, and prayed Remus didn’t feel those same things happening to Sirius.


End file.
